This morning I woke up with a dry mouth, no blanket, very stressed out, and with a strong urge to find a gym with a punching bag. Trauma comes out in soooo many ways but this is one of my least favorites.
I have PTSD from a few different events but a pretty large traumatizing event for me was my mother’s infidelity in my parents marriage. It has shaken me and with the lack of after care and needed relationship rebuilding, it is something that my brain is almost constantly trying to process.
My dream this morning that caused me to wake up in absolute panic was about my mother getting married to the person that contributed to the demise of our family. In my dream I went to be a support person for my dad but ultimately left the room because I was unable to do it. At their wedding in my dream they were showing a video of how the relationship started and it played like a movie. I really think it’s funny how some of the details that you don’t know can get filled in by your imagination. I ran out of the wedding in tears from anger and punched a hole in the wedding locations bathroom.
I have felt all of these feelings before. They aren’t something new, but they can be just as real from the scenarios that PTSD causes you to relive. I wasn’t ever able to voice my hurt and concern without my mother telling me that it was none of my business and that I shouldn’t be affected by it, so my brain created a scenario where I could get it all out. It was my brains way of saying “Hey I’m still here and you need to deal with the built up pain, feelings of betrayal, anger, and neglect!”
I’m not sure today will be the day that I have the courage to tell my mother how much she hurt me, but I know with time and experience I will be able to. Someday I will wake up and know that I am ready to stop carrying this boulder that weighs me down.
Does anyone else have very vivid nightmares about past trauma? If you do, how do you cope? Share if you would like.